GO FOR THE MEMES, BOO! or Smart Villain playthrough

WARNING! Amusing and brain-melting grammar will happen. English is not my first language.

WARNING! Spoilers will be spoiled. Piss will be taken. Lambs will be observed in the vicinity of the lions. Proceed at your peril.

Let us begin by creating our future magnificent bastard.

I love this portrait. The expression is priceless - a peculiar mix of surprise, disgust, anger and exasperation.

Looks like the local authorities are not happy to see my mug.

Of course, I have a perfect answer. May not be the one prelate Hulrun wants to hear, but an answer nonetheless.


It wouldn’t be an RPG if something didn’t go from bad to worse in five seconds. How all these people survive an average Monday is a mystery for the wise. I’m not wise.

I’m smart. S-M-R-T.

Too bad my luck seems to be rotten.

So begins my long journey to the shining peaks of greatness and badasstitude.

I’m planning to be a smart villain. But what it means to be one? Let’s see…


P.S. I sincerely hope that pictures can be viewed in full size. My garbage jokes must be accessible to everyone, not only the eagle-eyed. :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:


that’s a bad ass character pic!

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OMG … this is hilarious!!! I cannot wait to see what happens to Thalassiel Bitterleaf in your next installment of the adventure! :rofl:


WARNING! Bad grammar will continue to plague this thread. Remain calm and cover the sensitive body parts with Oxford English Dictionary to avoid permanent damage.

In the previous episode, Thalassiel Bitterleaf was about to lose the battle against her arch-nemesis - gravity. Death was inevitable. But…


…someone interfered. A mystery, to be sure, but not the most pressing matter right now. Apparently, there is an extensive cave system under Kenabres. And our brave (if not very good-natured) heroine is not alone…

That’s why she is a smart villain. There is no reason to be evil just yet - Thalassiel is not interested in whatever Anevia and Seelah have in their pockets. There is no power to be found in such things.

Remember Five Principles? Yeah. Be polite. Or paladins will smite your silly ass.

I wouldn’t tell Seelah everything, of course. Still, it’s a good thing Anevia decided to cut this conversation short.

After some combat and encounter with Camellia (who was also polite) we meet the locals. Time for insensitive remarks and insulting questions!

Lann seems like a chill guy. Wenduag is more suspicious of outsiders. Both are part of the underground tribe. Their people are called “mongrels” (implied to be a slur) or “neathers” (I’m not sure how this is any better, but Wenduag thinks it is).

Eventually we arrive to the important part of this educational talk.

Once again, I ignore an obvious option to be an ass. Simply agreeing to help Lann and Wenduag is more practical. Best case scenario, I’ll get a kick-ass sword. Worst case, I will have to stab the competition, namely Wenduag and Lann, with aforementioned sword.

(I had to look up the word “aforementioned” online to make sure I’m not embarassing myself by misspelling it) :laughing:

Upon touching the sword, Thalassiel has a vision of the past. Angel Lariel was betrayed by his allies and subsequently killed by Deskari, who is a demon lord.

That’s what you get for being Lawful Good, I suppose.

This vision is more like a dream. Thalassiel can control certain aspects of it.

She makes some unusual choices. I mean, what?..

Okay, you got me here. What about the next?

Still, “save and protect”? You big softie, you.

Anyway. The heavenly sword is now ours. Lann is a bit salty about it.

This here is why Lann is Lawful Neutral, not Good. He is a decent chap, don’t get me wrong, but his mind is tainted with self-loathing and bitterness. What would happen to Lann after just one Really Bad Day?

He is quick to see an opportunity when it presents itself.

Unfortunately for him, Wenduag has her own designs. I mostly show this screenshot because it is beautiful, but it is also important to establish the stakes.

The trek through the caves is uneventful. In the future, I will show some of the fights with strategies for defeating the most dangerous opponents. Cave spiders and flies, however, do not pose any real danger. Props to Owlcats for adding this little “fall-from-the-ceiling” animation for spiders. It immediately reminds me about my intense arachnophobia. :sweat_smile:

Next stop - Neathholm!

First rule of politics (and life in general) is this - you are the master of your unspoken words. Wenduag knows this well, it seems. While Lann is all too eager to stick his neck out, she observes silently and prepares the contingency plans.

I can’t ignore the situation, but I can throw Lann under the bus for trying to make a hero out of me.

Then I immediately shake down Horgus GWERM!!11 I’m feeling extra spicy today.

Oh, and now I have enough XP to ruin my build. Hooray!

Stay tuned for more adventures of Thalassiel Bitterleaf. In the next episode I will finally get my chance to be a proper evil scheming bastard. Wish me luck.



Thank you so much for another awesome episode of the life of Thalassiel Bitterleaf !!! :clap: I really hope this will become a regular feature :joy:


WARNING! My English is still bad. Local police rages in search of the miscreant who ran away with my good English.

Today’s episode is an unusual one. You see, I want this playthrough to be informative as well as entertaining. But I can’t expect Thalassiel to describe all this moment-to-moment looting and combat. Her messed up mind is wired to think BIG.


That’s why I decided to hire some help. Remember this guy?

Crusader Jeb

Meet sergeant Jebediah Douchenozzleton aka Crusader Jeb. Today he will help us to conquer the Shield Maze. Since our characters are level 2, Jeb doesn’t have much to say about strategy, but this will change in the future.


While the loot in this dungeon is pathetic, it still has some value. In the end, you can sell everything to Dyra and make some cash. Embrace the Way of Vacuum Cleaner, apprentice.

This is one fancy maze. I wonder…

Undead will first appear early in the game, so the armor will come in handy.

Crusader Jeb, as you would expect, is not a fan of demons and demon lords.

Don’t be afraid of repeating something obvious. “Common knowledge” is not as common as you might think.

Time to update our bestiary. Number one is…

There used to be two of them in the same encounter. Fighting them at the same time was… hard. That is all I will say. I need to be mindful of my blood pressure.

Number two.

Oof. Let me tell you, it sucks to be an obsessive completionist.

Thalassiel’s kinetic abilities are utterly useless in this fight. The elemental is immune to cold! I swear, my every build sooner or later becomes a meme build.

Number three.

The beast ended up dead, but not before poisoning Camellia, a dexterity-based character, with its dexterity-damaging poison. I hate my life.

Number four.

Surprisingly easy fight this time. Usually they clown on me with their chunky crits.

Number five.

Like Jeb said. Don’t overthink this. Shock and awe. Advance quickly and CUT. THEM. DOWN.

Sorry, I’m still salty about this whole “enemies have more resistances than you have pubes” thing.

Time to finish this post. Next one will be full of dialogues, choices and Thalassiel’s scheming again. We will see some of the Shield Maze from her perspective and learn why it doesn’t look eldritch like in Wenduag’s stories.

Number six




Excellent writing, yet again!! :rofl:

Looking forward to the next episode :slight_smile:

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WARNING! My grammar is bad, yeah. Native English speakers of the past have predicted my birth and invented words like “mustn’t” and “oughtn’t” just to mess with me.

So! In the previous episode, Crusader Jeb took upon himself the gargantuan task of explaining the military tactics to my mostly imaginary audience.

This task was failed successfully.

But what was Thalassiel doing in the meantime? What shenanigans she was up to?

She was rampaging through the library in search of some reading material. The proper rampage requires two Perception checks, one premeditated murder and a dash of patience to skim through the tome filled with demonic lore.

Speaking of Perception checks…

“Keen senses” is a Golarion euphemism for “everyone around me is either blind or dumb”

Thalassiel’s passion for loot is only matched by her killer drive.


…anyway. As we continue to explore, more and more signs of demonic activity under Kenabres present themselves.

Demons really don’t know much about subtlety, do they?..

The lack of neon signs on Golarion is the only reason why this underground base doesn’t have the glowing words CULTIST HIDEOUT on every wall. In hot pink.

Positive workplace climate is also not their strong suit. Why would anyone decide to worship these assholes is beyond me.

I mean, they can join the cult of Thalassiel Bitterleaf instead. That’d be nice.

“Kill the mage first” is an universal rule in every fantasy setting with magic. I’ve learned this simple rule back in the glory days of Shadowrun.

…nobody even plays Shadowrun anymore…

Finding a place to rest can be challenging. Shield Maze turns into a slaughterhouse at some point. Also: these fancy floor tiles must’ve cost a fortune. Demons know how to live large, I’ll give them that.

This picture is just pretty. There is no reason why…

NOT YOU AGAIN! Just die already and don’t forget to flush after yourself!

I swear, the elementals will give me an aneurysm one of these days

I can’t remember which of the numerous cultists was carrying this fascinating document.

Don’t know who this Godzilla chick is but she sounds like a jerk. All swagger, no substance.

Feeling slightly bored, Thalassiel decides to put her mighty intelligence to the test. After killing some demons in the room, she correctly surmises that the said room was used for demon summoning.

Young Reeves is funny af

Mrs. Bitterleaf continues her streak of brilliance in the Lizard Room.

She is truly amazing, folks.

Emboldened by all these triumphs, our not-quite-heroine breaks into the secret vault where the party finds Radiance. I doesn’t look particularly… erm… radiant right now.

Shield Maze is a big dungeon, in case if you haven’t noticed. My obsession with loot quickly becomes somewhat detrimental.

I had to throw some things away. My blackened, greedy heart is shattered now.



It’s time to blow this popsicle stand.

“Succumb to the rage” is an Evil choice, of course. Thalassiel channels her inner Doom Slayer.

Hosilla is such a non-entity that her only notable combat ability comes from her glaive. The fight is very easy, but it can be more challenging for the players who prefer Lann. In that case, Wenduag will fight on Hosilla’s side. Good thing she’s only level 2 and not geared up. “Boring” fighters can be very deadly.

Looks like this conflict was in the making for a long time. Wenduag is not as good at concealing her nature as she thinks. Lann is disappointed and angry, but not very surprised, all things considered.

Tension Ascension

Uh, guys?.. Should I step out of the room or something?

Excuse me? That wasn’t part of our agreement, Spiderbutt.

Ah, what the hell. Give me your best sales pitch, dear undergarments.

Wait, was it “neathers”? I forgot.

Both of you are horrible. Lann can’t answer my questions without omitting some of the truth. I can almost physically feel the gaps where the facts should be.

Wenduag, on the other hand, is openly treacherous. It sounds like an oxymoron but here you have it.

I’d leave Kenabres and all these bozos behind, but “the crusade” smells like an opportunity. I will need a skilled archer.

The golden rule - listen to Wenduag’s suggestion and do the opposite. She doesn’t know how to be a Smart Villain. Maybe I will teach her one day…

…then again, maybe not.

What she fails to grasp is that I don’t care about her “army of neathers”. I’d kill Lann in a heartbeat, if he was a threat to my plans, but I’m okay with him destroying Wenduag’s schemes. Also…

Thalassiel wasn’t lying in the vision about Lariel and his sword. Her morality is warped though, so even the noble thoughts usually become twisted and dark in her mind.

And now for something completely different! Kenabres awaits! I hope that the brave soldiers of Mendev have everything under control.

They do, right?..

Bloody hell.



:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: Encore!! More, please! :grin:

No, Bitterleaf. Just… no. We can’t do anything dramatic. My English is not good enough even for shitposting. People will not take us seriously.

…okay, where was I? Ah, yes. We’re finally on the surface. That’s good news.

There’s a great chance of everyone dying in the claws of some demon asshole, so don’t get ahead of yourself.

On this optimistic note, I will see myself out. Good luck with your “take back the city” project, Mrs. Tirabade.

Oh, so giving you the important piece of intel doesn’t count as “helping” these days. I see how it is. You give them an inch and on the next day they are dating your mile.

…what? I did warn you about my English, didn’t I?

As much as I’d like to stay away from overly enthusiastic paladins, there is no choice but to follow Irabeth as she plows through cultists with terrifying skill.

The process of plowing through is not depicted because we are but mere mortals, and the party needs my full attention in this scrap.

To measure my progress, I listen to Wenduag’s battle cries. Every time when she completely loses her shit, one of the enemy casters disappears in the cloud of their own blood and guts. Groovy.

Cheeky boys with glaives can ruin my day even by themselves, but Irabeth “Pain Train” Tirabade is already on her way. I dream of the day when Seelah will be able to mow down entire squads like wheat.

Then again, I probably will be facing someone like…

What kind of name is “Minagho” anyway? Sounds like one of them nasty skin conditions of STD variety.

…I might be onto something here.

I don’t know the full story, but it sounds like Staunton Vhane is desperately trying to come up with a false narrative in which he is innocent.

Minagho is having none of it.

“Technically correct” is the most irritating kind of correct.

Thalassiel, however, is mildly amused by this exchange - not to mention that Minagho’s talkativeness gives our heroine some precious time to consider tactical options.

Or we can do this, yeah. Thanks for your input, Staunton.

Being angry at omnicidal demon is considered “evil”, so I can score a few villain points by doing exactly what Irabeth expects of me. Win-win!

I’m endlessly grateful that I’m not under any obligation to say this Good nonsense about the righteous army and whatnot. That’d be just embarassing.

Thalassiel is not powerful enough to defeat Minagho, naturally. Not yet.

The mysterious circumstances of her survival are much less clear. How did our group escape Minagho’s grasp? What happened between blacking out in Gray Garrison and waking up in the tavern?

Also, who is casting this large shadow over Thalassiel’s snoozing form?

Oh hi, Irabeth. Your company is my second favorite thing in this grim situation.

There is only two items on the list because Bitterleaf was unconscious.

“Brain-splitting headache” is number one.

There is no better way to start your day than a suicide mission.

Thalassiel leaves her room, thinking about her next steps, when…

Gah! Now I understand why these two are married. I JUST WOKE UP, ANEVIA!

Also, is there a “thug life” tattoo on my forehead or something? How does she know about Sister Teatime? Free stuff is good though.

Left to my own devices, I decide to bond with my comrades in arms.

Camellia is cold and cautious. So is Thalassiel. There is seemingly no reason for concern, but nobody is blinking.

“I am helpful, am I not?” Sure you are, young lady.

I’m starting to think that Wenduag is not the sharpest bulb on Mars. That’s the expression, yeah? Anyway, the mind of our new “friend” is too transparent for all this scheming she tries to pull off. Wenduag doesn’t know a whole lot about the world outside the caves, and that makes her predictable.

People often ask “why would a paladin travel with evil characters?” Seelah is the answer. I’m pretty sure that her paladin senses are tingling in Thalassiel’s presense, but it turns out that even Lawful Good can be Morally Complex. Who would’ve thunk?

I love this word, by the way. THUNK. I don’t know if it even exists. :laughing:

Staunton Vhane is somewhat happy to see Bitterleaf since her iron will prevented the unpleasantness from happening.

Have any of you guys tried to play Cyberpunk 2077? People mock this game for its… ahem… minimalistic approach to dialogue, but I’ve learned an important lesson while obsessively playing it. You can express the personality of your character by choosing NOT to say something.

In this case, I skip the option to sympathize with Staunton’s life situation. Thalassiel Bitterleaf knows better than to judge people openly, but she still kinda despises the guy.

Ah yes, Forn Autumn Haze. Thalassiel’s pointy ears inspire him to pepper his speech with the words “my kin” every five seconds. Forn tries to peddle his idea about inherent superiority of the elves and… racial duty?

I don’t accept his sidequest. Screw this guy. My only duty is to myself.

Horgus GWERM!!1 is here, too. He can’t stop himself from being a dick. Well… I can’t stop myself from another act of extortion.

Horgus’ arrogance provokes no comment from Thalassiel. Gwerms are temporary. She will be eternal. Immortal. EVERLASTING.

Or not. We’ll see.

Being smart pays off. Bitterleaf is asserting her dominance and getting the new weapon at the same time.

Weapon Finesse and rogue proficiencies mean that I will be able to murder some swarms with this thing. As Warrior Queen Bdaah would say, “Sweet!”

For some reason I really like making screenshots where main character looks lonely and sort of pensive. Kenshi is my favorite game for these pics.

In this case, screenshot serves as a visual marker. The true adventure finally begins.

Elven toddlers use 100lb warbows as toys. It’s a cultural thing. That’s why Thalassiel can wield such a weapon with confidence. Don’t question it.

I’m too lazy to compose a proper bug report, but this fight is always broken in some way.

Being constructive is not my strong suit.

Rage Trek

You might be wondering why there is only four people in my party. Where is this Worblegeas tiefling dude?

He is still in the basement of the tavern. His prison sentence was suddenly prolonged. Clumsy attempt to flirt with Thalassiel Bitterleaf might have something to do with it.

I have a better candidate anyway.

At the sight of this fragile elven girl something stirred in Thalassiel’s darkened soul.

Or it could’ve been the common case of indigestion. The tavern food wasn’t of the highest quality.

Sometimes an interesting story starts writing itself. It wasn’t my plan initially, but it looks like Thalassiel Bitterleaf is actually Ember’s “dark twin”.

Ember, Wenduag doesn’t trust you.


Also, now I have proof that Wenduag is sentient. I was starting to suspect that her evil behavior is not a product of consciousness, but something more primitive - like mitosis of an amoeba.

I immediately replace Ember’s crossbow with a longbow for no bloody reason.

She is even doing less damage now. It still feels right somehow.

It was a very long and dialogue-heavy post. Here’s an action shot to spice it up. Think of it as a cliffhanger at the end of the episode. It isn’t one though. Of course I won. :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:






These posts are amazing!! I just love reading about Thalassiel’s adventures, and the humour that you inject into the story!! Thank you! :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:


Had a good laugh when were dizzy at work, keep up the fun good work!

On serious note, will Crusader Jeb return with tactical advice again?

Kudos for mentioning shadowrun btw))
Your English is not bad, telling you as other non ative speaker))

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No, thank you for sticking around. The silence in the comments would be quite depressing otherwise.

He will, and his advice will grow more and more useful at the time goes by. Encounters later in the game are quite challenging, and Jeb will have his hands full. Headless Chicken Strategy is the title of his next episode.

Alright, let’s get this show on the road.

WARNING! I’ve learned all of my atrocious English as a child by bashing my skull in with the alphabet blocks. Back in the good old days they were made from ironwood.

In this episode, we will continue to explore the ruined city of Kenabres. Market Square is the most prominent location and, to be honest, the most boring one.

Thalassiel is here because she wants to assess the situation in Kenabres. It quickly becomes evident that not all survivors are staying in the tavern.

Bitterleaf doesn’t kill people for shits and giggles, and Kaylessa walks away.

I can already imagine Forn’s disappointment. “How could you just let her go, my kin? Why are you such a dumbass, my kin? Why there is a sharp object in front of my face, my kin?”

You know. The classic Forn.

Wenduag is not the best field engineer. Look at this bridge. LOOK AT IT.

But don’t breathe too much, alright? I need this monstrosity to stay in one piece.

I think Wendu just accidentally created the art installation. It captures the spirit of the underground crusaders.

Technically true

The conversation between Hulrun and Ramien was very riveting. As an educated person, Thalassiel is no stranger to verbosity, but these clowns take the cake.

Now our unlikely heroine knows why Irabeth was so desperate to add her to the ranks of Kenabres militia. When the righteous are useless, ask the wicked for help. They know how to get shit done.

Bitterleaf decides to walk away after successfully fishing for information and almost drowning in the lake of wasted words. Ramien was dumb enough to approach the perpetually angry Hulrun. Now it is up to him to become smart enough and get out of the jam.

We’re back where we started. Ground zero for demonic invasion.

Deskari, unlike his hapless minions, is nowhere to be found. I don’t blame the guy. Observing the cultists’ feeble efforts is like watching the old TV show about Power Rangers - you will inevitably end up feeling perplexed and slightly embarassed.

This description must be referring to the imaginary friends Thalassiel used to have as a precocious 50 year old child. There were no other companions with her during the attack.

Here it is. The most dangerous of opponents. Our brave heroes will need every ounce of their power and tactical acumen to defeat these devious rodents. C’mon, Bitterleaf. Eye of the tiger! We can do this!

…I ran away.

Look, those rats were just too much, alright? They have these creepy beady eyes and they carry diseases. No one told us anything about the rats. Demon lords, sure. Wizards capable of skinning you alive with a single word - of course. But now they expect me to fight rats?!.. I don’t get paid enough for this.

My fully justified tactical retreat was followed by the encounter with this peculiar bunch. They are trying to be all evasive, but Thalassiel is not in the mood for games. The triumphant squees of the thrice-damned rodents are still fresh in her mind.

Bloody hell. If these tieflings ever tried to walk the same streets as Thalassiel “Sister Teatime” Bitterleaf, their families wouldn’t find enough body parts to fill even a single grave. Younguns these days…

Being a blabbermouth is bad for a criminal, but Irabeth’s tin soldiers don’t need to be discreet. Bitterleaf once again ignores the opportunity to be Evil because, as we know, she cares about the Big Picture (whatever that is).

Crusader Jeb is moonlighting as a guest star. Most battles in the Market Square area don’t warrant any special mention, so his job is simple today.

Fun fact: abrikandilus furiously destroy everything beautiful.

Another fun fact: Iomedae’s statue is completely untouched.

Sapienti sat, as they say in the kingdom of smartasses.

You didn’t really believe that the seasoned warrior like Thalassiel Bitterleaf would just give up, did you? She was just biding her time, obviously.

If you ever become the part of an all-devouring swarm of rats, don’t neglect your morning cardio.

I love the smell of cheese in the morning. Smells like… victory. Someday this war’s gonna end.

Is there a word for regretting the decision you haven’t made yet? I feel like I am approaching one of these depressingly frequent moments.

All thespians are walking catastrophes just waiting to happen. I am in the eye of the storm.

I’d ask Ember how to be so disarming and insensitive at the same time, but I’m not sure she would understand the question.

No! Please gods no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I need to murder someone to chase away the feeling of foreboding.

The ghouls used to look like pure nightmare fuel. The uncanny contortions of their bodies were quite the sight.

These days, ghouls are family friendly. They shuffle towards you, they eat your brains, everyone is going home happy. It’s simple. Wholesome.

“Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” - Mark Twain.

The demon politely scampers off without turning himself into an optional boss fight. Thalassiel’s left cheek twitches slightly at the sound of his disappearing act.

Demons suck in general, nabasu sucks literally. Gotcha.

At this rate, I’ll be an expert in demonology by the end of the day.

I hope this short stack isn’t an actor or prestidigitator, or Golarion’s equivalent of Jackson Pollock. I’ve had my fill of artistic weirdos.

…are all criminals in Kenabres horrible at their jobs?..

Reminds me of Cirodiil where dangerously incompetent crooks would say to each other “you wear the shadows well, fellow thief”.

Bloody amateurs, the lot of them. Anevia is the only rogue worth her salt in the entire city.

Thalassiel is indifferent to alcohol, but the optimism of this trio is infectious. She never mentions Curl’s short stint as a marauder to Jannah and Elan. Ignorance is bliss, after all.

The ignorance is for them. The bliss is for Bitterleaf.

I’m not sure if my Knowledge (Arcana) skill is up to snuff, but this thing here looks like Mordenkainen’s Cloud of Glaringly Obvious Things.

It is also very green, as Thalassiel’s finely tuned perception tells her.

Ramien, the priest of Desna, ran away from Hulrun and other inquisitors so he could hide near the temple of Desna.

I can’t decide whether I should admire his cunning or the vastness of his stupidity.

I should ask him to put all this in writing and then choke him to death with the parchment.

So the mysterious voice in the dreams said that the Wardstone is corrupted. Ramien and his gang of braindead adepts did their best to fix the situation and failed because Hulrun.

That was a fascinating story, Ramien. Thanks a bunch. I should go. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Oh, why did I even expect the priest of Desna to have a spine?..

The first of Ramien’s adepts reveals himself immediately. I’m starting to think that these guys should worship the god of common sense because the goddess of luck and her teachings destroy one’s ability to think straight, apparently.

He is very quick to rat out his friends. I’m not sure what he expects from Bitterleaf.

Cultists were camping practically next to Ramien’s hiding spot. This confirms my hypothesis that all Desnans are descendants of some particularly suicidal lemmings.

This group is one of the very few genuine challenges Market Square can offer. Still not as bad as those damn rats.

Today’s closing shot. The party is returning to Defender’s Heart to rest. More importantly, Thalassiel will finally have a full party. Until next time.

Ah, almost forgot. Since Jeb was around, I’m legally obligated to inform you that there is only one business around these parts…




I wish we could pin these adventures to the board so that everybody could get the chance to read them!!! Your posts are so much fun :smiley: Thanks again for another awesome episode of the adventures of Thalassiel Bitterleaf :purple_heart:


Awaiting new episode)
Thanks again for fun writing!
It reminds me about good old days of dark souls 2 and dark souls and dumbshit’s noobs guides))


WARNING! My English is still bad. I can write grammatically correct sentences sometimes, but they must start with the letter Z. It is an ancient family curse.

So! Here we are again. This episode was hard to produce, because I took too many screenshots during my last session. Now the pics are out of order and mixed with close-ups of Zoe Castillo (the Dreamfall character I want to recreate in The Sims 4).

As a result, the chronology might be all over the place.

I do remember something about walking back to the tavern…

Right. It would be naive to think that I can just return to Defender’s Heart. In this world, you can go out for groceries and suddenly find yourself in the dragon’s lair.

I don’t know who this lady is, but I must find out how she achieved such levels of hair spikyness. I mean, seriously. Kenabres doesn’t strike me as a place where the rivers flow with hair gel.

Thalassiel knows the answer, but doesn’t quite understand the situation yet. For the time being, she decides to hide the fact that her Lore checks are not tied to the Wisdom attribute.

Also, starting your sentences with the word “actually” is an obnoxious habit.

Wait a sec. This aurochs thingy is a prehistorical bull, essentially. Looks like our Ms. Spiky Hair is one of those teachers. You know the type. They won’t accept your “2 plus 2 equals 4” crap. You must prove it in the prescribed way.

Bitterleaf is not surprised by this outcome in the slightest. Reasonable people do not become cultists. They don’t fight the demons either, come to think of it. Reasonable people can be so damn boring sometimes.

Still, one has to wonder if the Hair Chick had the Plan B to ensure her own survival. Or even the Plan A, for that matter. Our party wasn’t supposed to be here, after all.

I wish there was a way to avoid this battle. Don’t get me wrong, Thalassiel is a killing machine, but this encounter almost always happens on your way to Defender’s Heart. Party can be exhausted, out of spells, suffering from disease and attribute drain…

Intimidation check wouldn’t go amiss is what I’m trying to say.

This is official: Thalassiel Bitterleaf is a character from the novel written by Jules Verne.

I can’t think of another reason why she knows all this shit. Stick around if you want to see her walking towards the enemy citadel and blowing it up with nitroglycerin lemons.

Here’s another example of me skipping the dialogue options for the sake of roleplaying.

Thalassiel is not bothered by Nenio’s casual rudeness. That’s why she never tries to introduce herself. Even former underground chemists prefer to remain anonymous, I assume.

This picture is from the future! Nenio is level 4 which means I didn’t try to strangle her for being such an insufferable smartass.

The reason I show it to you is Nenio herself. She used to have darker skin and didn’t look like her portrait at all. Then some mad lad or lass created the new 3D model. Not only it looks more like Nenio, but you can even see the smug half-smile on her little Nenio face.

Owlcats’ attention to absolutely inconsequential details never ceases to amaze me.

Jeb is once again making his presence known to remind us about the importance of Perception. You can’t return to the location where you meet Nenio, so the loot here can be lost permanently.

I wouldn’t be able to sleep easy ever again if that actually happened.

The previous attempt to get drunk and celebrate their stupidity wasn’t enough for the citizens of Kenabres. They want to double down - like roulette players whose microscopic brains can’t process the basics of the probability theory.

No wonder Thalassiel is Neutral Evil. Imagine actually caring about these dipshits.

Bitterleaf tries to reason with this bunch. Like most alcoholics, they refuse to acknowledge the problem. They have a system, you see. Only half of the available warriors will be inebriated and unable to fight effectively. Another half is scheduled to get sloshed tomorrow.

League of the Inspiring Cart, my ass.

Goodness gracious. It wasn’t enough for them to piss Thalassiel off. Now Seelah wants me to accept the side quest. Looking for the wedding ring in the mud sounds like FUN.

Do you know why our heroine passionately hates heroic quests?

It goes like this. Thalassiel enters the dirt-colored village. The inhabitants of the same hue immediately jump at the chance to outsource their monster problem.

One of the yokels separates himself from the unwashed masses. He is an ealdorman, judging by the finest mud smeared upon his gnarled visage.

The ealdorman does the talking because he is the only villager capable of speaking without terrible folksy accent. He describes the terrible beast whose lair is located “over the yonder”.

Which way one should go to reach this mysterious “yonder” is one of the many topics masterfully avoided by the ealdorman. The payment for Thalassiel’s services is another.

“I am a healer. Does anyone here need some healing?” Bitterleaf asks.

What a silly question. Of course they don’t. This proud village has its own cleric. That’s right - a cleric, here. He worships the local god of beetle dung and rotten chestnuts.

And that’s how the healer of unmatched skill and intelligence ends up in the situation where she has to look for some unspecified beast over the unspecified yonder.

The worst part? You can’t even ask “what on Earth is this yonder thing?” Remember, the conversation takes place on Golarion. This ealdorman prick doesn’t even know how to spell “Earth”, let alone the meaning of the word.

Now you know why Thalassiel Bitterleaf hates heroic quests.

Okay, back to the grind. The party is very close to the next level. I need to murder someone for their loot and XP.

I do plan to hire Woljif eventually. He is an okay guy. Maybe a tad grating because of his “I’m a tiefling thief, I am, I am” attitude.

The Blackwing Library is the place where we are expected to find a blind elf. According to Irabeth, he has some useful intel about Wardstones.

I’m surprised to find an actual library, albeit ruined. The name is perfect for a record store from the 90’s, where you could buy the bootleg tapes of the bands you’ve never heard of.

Aha! Thanks to Bitterleaf’s keen senses, I can skip to the part where I extract the juicy XP from Chaleb’s lifeless body. At least, that was the plan…

Trickster choice completely derails the conversation.

I can’t tell if Wenduag is playing along or genuinely thinking that I’m hiring this idiot, but her presence makes Thalassiel’s bullshit more authentic.

The best thing about this whole interaction is that I currently have no idea what the consequences will be. Probably nothing major.

With Foulsnout out of the way, I can free Storyteller and other martyrs-to-be. Thalassiel is now level 4. We’re about to hit the big leagues.

Reasonable people would invest the extra attribute point in something important - in my case, Dexterity or Intelligence. I dropped it in Constitution because of my crippling fear of
odd numbers.

Ah, the Silken Thread Atelier. I have no idea why we are suddenly here. Must be this chronological mix-up I mentioned earlier.

Anevia has mentioned this place as one of the spots where cultists congregate. Thalassiel doesn’t know it yet, but her true power will begin to manifest here.

The cultists inside sound like they are partying. They also sound vaguely Finnish.

This is not a good enough reason to kill them, but if it was, I’d call it “an acoustic crime”. I can’t tell if I’m using the words correctly, but screw it.

It’s an awkward situation. Wenduag tries to appear nonchalant as she draws her bow. Guards pretend to be tough enough to survive the first volley.

Let me tell you, there is nothing more terrifying than a nonchalant spider-cat-girl. Especially when she is trying to whistle.

Both guards die almost instantly. At this rate, Wenduag will be launching intercontinental ballistic missiles by the endgame.

By the way, do you know how Wendu’s haircut looks like?

IT’S A MOHAWK. Now everything makes sense. She’s a punk.

“Sparkling Fist” is such an unimaginitive nickname. I can’t even come up with a good way to mock it. I do know how to violently turn it into something ironic.

Here’s some advice: don’t call yourself Sparkling Fist unless you want to find out which of your other body parts (and\or orifices) have the potential to sparkle.

This must be the Tower of Estrod, the next place in my itinerary. At least, I hope it was the next. Screenshots from this section were wedged between Cocteau Twins’ songs and scans of my coffee-stained notes about the things I can’t remember.

Vision of Yaniel is attacking the party because Thalassiel is evil. Fair enough. Her aim is off though. She chose Seelah - the only person who is both religious and good - as her first target. The irony is delicious.

Maybe I should try to be Lawful Good instead. Looks like the angels don’t even need a decent excuse to murder someone.

“But why?” - “Because you are darkness”

stabbing sounds

Few moments pass in complete silence. Was the vision right? It is said that the absolute power corrupts absolutely, but the simple truths often become stereotypes which, in turn, mutate into prejudices. I’m not sure if this sentence even makes sense.

Anyway. Let’s have a look at the exhibits in this museum.


Is it just me, or the legendary hero Yaniel appears to be very short? Like an overgrown halfling. Or a very weird looking…


Bitterleaf, go talk to him. As your chronicler, I can make sarcastic comments about the actual events. STANDING DWARF IS NOT AN EVENT, THALASSIEL.

I was very tempted to choose Chaotic option and show Greybor how the real killing is done. However, being all flashy is not in Thalassiel’s character.

Like all criminals in Kenabres, our new acquaintance is incredibly forthright. The underworld in this place is more like a giant constellation of incompetence, and Greybor is one of the stars. Perhaps not the biggest one - he is discreet enough to keep the identity of his employer secret - but a star nonetheless.

Irabeth needs to know about the comings and goings in the Tower of Estrod, so it’s back to the tavern again.

The closing shot today is the one with Storyteller. At some point, his ratty appearance was upgraded. Now he is an icon of fashion. THE CHAD-TELLER.

…okay, that one was terrible. I need some sleep. Until next time.




It was just one screenshot. One! You will have the entire episode soon!

Fine, whatever. There is only one business around these parts…




You have no idea how happy I am to see Thalassiel Bitterleaf return for another installment!! Seriously, your account of her adventures has brightened up my extremely crappy day :slight_smile: Thank you so much for posting this playthrough on the forum!! :pray:

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It was a long reading for me, prolonged by reasons of work. The same thing that takes my time out of playing WotR or sleeping (who am I kidding, prefer playing to sleep unless too tired). But I eventually finished reading)))

Thank you for new episode of adventures and philosophy of Thallassiel! My regards too crusader Jeb, now in anticipation of his advices in next episode)

Your posts are one of the few that I read for a “bit of fun” (with regards to tricksters out there) and without shitloads of calculations and analysis. Just pure joy and only positive emotions with a couple spoons of sarcasm)) so once again thank you! :star_struck::+1:

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OMG … this is hilarious!!! water damage ceiling michigan Had a good laugh when were dizzy at work, keep up the fun good work!

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